Tag Archives: Charlize Theron

Shoo! Alien, shoo! Leave Prometheus alone!

Oh, Ridley Scott. There you are looking back on your career thinking: “Yeah, Alien rocked. And yeah, Blade Runner totally rocked, too!” And you know what, Ridley, you are actually right. They are both fantastic films. I would argue that Alien is far more fantastic than Blade Runner, but because Alien is so fucking out there mega-fantastic that is like saying “Blade Runner is better than 99.9 percent of all films ever made”. And then Ridley? Then you’re all like: “Yeah, let’s revisit this and make another epic Sci-Fi action flick!” Did I mention that you probably look back on films like Gladiator and think that it was equally as awesome? Now there is the problem. Sometimes your films fucking stink. So, let’s talk about Prometheus, shall we?

via thewertzone.blogspot.com

Nothing in Prometheus makes any sense. Whatsoever.
Yup, it’s all a big bag of bullshit. Oh, a nice and pretty bag of bullshit. So shiny you need to look at it. And amidst all the shit squishing and squashing in there we find ideas and performances that are brilliant. But what makes this movie such a bag of bullshit is the problem that many films have: They could be so fucking awesome but somewhere along the way people started to make mistakes and didn’t stop with them. Prometheus is such a case.

via prometheus-movie.com

Everyone and their grandmother has said it by now, but it is worth repeating: The idea that these characters on this ship are scientist is laughable at best. Offensive really, cause what it shows is that obviously no one involved with this project had any idea of scientific work whatsoever. Or they must have hit their heads really hard. From the dumbass boyfriend being all sulky cause he just discovered alien life-forms on another planet and cannot ask them why they made him (not to mention taking off his helmet, cause he just ‘felt’ that he could probably breathe the air) to the “biologist” whose first instinct upon meeting new and aggressive life forms is to touch them in the face. And dear Elizabeth, our supposed heroine, she is what exactly? An archeologist / medical doctor /biologist /geneticist /what the hell? Girl can do it all. Cause she probably studied science. And when you studied a term that encompasses all the sciences ever, you can, of course, do everything that all sciences ever found out and use as their scientific instruments. Cause you’re fucking scientist, duh!

edgy haircut – he must be a scientist! (via flicksandbits.com)

Ok, we could roll our eyes forever because of how hard these people are clearly not scientists. Shall we look at the supposed science then? There is no use averting our eyes, the crap will still get through. The operation super-capsule thingy. WTF? Can do whatever operation needs to be done if you just press a few buttons and hop in. But oh, damn, thing is gender-programmed. Only works on men… For whatever fucking reason. Cause the hard-drive was too small to fit in the program for women? Are you kidding me? And then of course it also works on women, cause wouldn’t you know, just a dramatic effect. So thing operates a squid alien out of Elizabeth Shaw (and boy will we get to how she is not Ellen Motherfucking Ripley) and stitches her belly so that girl can run and jump and crunch and do whatnot AFTER HAVING HER BELLY BEING OPENED BY A LASER-BEAM AND BARELY STITCHED TOGETHER!! She should collapse within 20 centimeters of that damn machine and bleed out is what she should if that movie had any idea of how human bodies work.
But oh, this film so doesn’t. Guess what: the god-alien-whatever-beings DNA matches 100 percent with human DNA! Whoa! Except for no human beings have DNA matching a hundred percent (ok, twins do) and then again every living being on this planet shares a pretty large percentage of their DNA with ours. So instead of being all like: they created us! And they even kinda somewhat look like us! We should really wonder how the hell these beings are related to chicken, and cheetahs and chimpanzees. There is your scientific question, movie, you can run as fast as you want into the other direction, you won’t escape it.
And please, film, Ridely, whoever, tell me: If these beings come to a planet, dissolve and by that create life on a planet – how do they end up being pictured by cavemen? Did they wait for a few million years to come back and say Hi, uh, by the way look at these stars, if you ever figure out what we mean come and visit us there? Oh yeah, that seems to make so much sense, EXCEPT FOR IT FUCKING DOESN’T. The inconsistencies of this movie are to frustrating, it’s almost painful. Just like having just had an operation and then having to …run? jump? fall? scream? Right, Elizabeth?

Ellen, ermh, Ellie? (via guardian.co.uk)

It’s frustrating because the movie plays this “uh, we’re asking the big and important questions” card but instead of attempting to answer them they fall short of answering even the simplest questions that just derive from the plot and the actions. How come the black liquid goo thing kills Elizabeths boyfriend but turns the other one into a killing monster? Why would it even? Makes no fucking sense. Completely unnecessary, strengthens my disbelief and makes me wonder: if the black goo thingy can turn people so easily into whatever fucking monster it wants them to be, why does it have to go to such great lengths to create super-complicated reproduction cycles like the one of the alien? Tell you why: cause black goo and monsters and alien aren’t really logically related and shouldn’t be related in a movie that has no idea of what it is doing.

via flicksandbits.com

What I hate hate hate in movies is the parents-complex thing. So many movies think they provide their protagoinists with motivation because they do what their parents said, or exactly the opposite or something to get their attention. It is there in the recently reviewed Snow White, it lies at the core of The Dark Knight Rises, which I intend to review next and we find it here with Elizabeth Shaw, David the Android, Charlize Theron’s character and oh, basically all mankind, cause we no have to think of those milky white muscle hunks as our daddies. I fucking hate this shit. Having no other motivation for things than you’re parents is the lamest story-telling device in the history of everything ever. Like Elizabeth Shaw is a scientist because of her father, but also religious, because of him, and neither is she a believable scientist nor does her faith have any effect on the plot whatsoever and is nothing but backstory we’re supposed to swallow to think that she is deep and shit, but really it’s just superficial nonsense. Meredith Vickers relationship with her father is so irrelevant, because we have no clue what is going on, we have no clue what her motivation is, and ultimately none of it plays any role in how these events unfold. It is just there and irritating. Granted, it could have been so much more interesting, if the film had focused on the sibling rivalry between Ms. Vickers and David, but we only get glimpses of that. Waste.

AAAAHHHH!! Why does this plot suck so hard?? (via lightsconnoraction.blogspot.com)

The biggest waste in this movie is David, who is also one of the redeeming qualities. Of course the movie looks fantastic, it is beautiful cinematography, the effects are neat. I like how the aliens look, and even though I find it totally absurd, I like how the aliens evolve throughout the movie. But what is really a saving grace and at the same time the major issue is Michael Fassbender as the android David. Because his performance is brilliant and because his character is actually interesting. All the questions that dumb scientist boyfriend mumbles about are just that same that he asks, but he really asks them and he acts on the impulse to want to find out. And along the way he does dubious things, in full knowledge of their dubiousness. Had the movie about him for 2 hours it would probably have been a better movie.

via cinemaforever.blog.de

BUT this movie wanted to hold on to the alien tradition of strong female character with the introduction of Elizabeth Shaw and FAILED. Now, mind you, I like Noomi Rapace and I think her performance was good. And even though I thought “girl, really?” practically every two seconds I still found her character engaging. But my oh my, does the writing on this character sabotage her. We’re supposed to be thinking of her as Ellen Ripley and then again not, cause she is caring, and crying, has a relationship, is compassionate, is religious, yadda yadda. Then we give her some monsters to run from, some gross beings to kill and everyone will think that she is just as badass as Ellen Ripley. Right? RIGHT?????
Hell to the no. Because that was the brilliance of Alien. For a long time it wasn’t even clear that Ellen Ripley was going to be our protagonist. First she is somewhat of a cold bitch and only after some time we find out that we are probably going to spend the rest of this movie – and the rest of the fight against the alien – with her. And she did kick ass with the weapons she found, with the information she gathered. She sweated and screamed and was terrified yet acted on her instinct to survive. In short: She acted like a human being. She felt like a human being. Like the other characters in Alien. In Prometheus we have none of that. They are all tools. Like characters from any CSI series out there we are meant to think of them as real and deep characters because they have a tattoo, or they like to scream out loud when happy or cry because they can’t have babies and nothing in the world is more terrible for the existence of a woman (and in case you don’t notice, I’m being sarcastic here). That is all bullshit. That is all just nonsense, covering up for the fact that none of these people act like real people would. They make stupid decisions because the plot requires them to and none of it stems from any sort of believable motivation. And if you’re characters are void of believable motivations then your film is, ermh, bordering irrelevance.

Looks and feels familiar? (via filmkritiker.com)

It is pretty to look at, it sounds nice. I can appreciate that there were good ideas, that some parts were written well (David spending his time alone on board of the ship). As an Alien mega-fan I appreciate going back to that story, to this being. Re-discovering the jockey on that planet. Seeing the alien again, connecting its birth with the terror that awaits Ellen Ripley in the future. But that is all just intellectual meta-level shit. That’s appreciation for what this movie accidentally got right. All in all it got pretty much everything it had going for it wrong. Nonetheless I don’t want to give up hope. The ending screams sequel and you never know, they might just end up making a better movie when we follow Elizabeth Shaw and David the android to the corners of the universe to find out where the creator-beings came from .
Until then we can imagine how other scientists would behave in a movie like this. Mathematicians probably wouldn’t know fractions. Egyptologist would probably never had heard of the pyramids – or would want to blow them up. Directors would make good movies with a coherent plot – oops, wait. That’s no science. Or is it now?

Bye David, see you in the sequel! (via pcgames.de)

Dun-dun-dun!

If you liked this, you can check out my Alien reviews in the directory HERE.

Snow White and the Feminist Huntsman

I’m not really a huntsman. But I am really a feminist. Snow White and the Huntsman is really not a feminist (movie), but it acts and poses like it is. And you know what? It ain’t even that bad. It’s just… here and there the movie would have needed some minor changes (and more inspired writing) and it could have been a pretty powerful and dare I even say – feminist – tale.

via intouch.wunderweib.de

Let’s get it out of the way first: the huntsman is really unnecessary. Like really really really unnecessary. The only redeeming quality of the character is that they don’t get all couply and happily ever after on our asses, but that is sort of a paradox, because there is really not much other reason for him to be in the movie than to be played up as a potential love interest. But what is his character really there for? To have us identify with him instead of Snow White? I’d give the thought more credit if I believed that they decided to do so to give Snow White the mysterious factor. But let’s be real, they just wanted to get male asses in cinema seats so they decided to put Thor in there and have him roar a little, otherwise people might mistake it for a chick flick.

“What is wrong with this movie??? Arrrgh!!” (via flickminute.com)

And that’s really the major problem of the movie. It is too afraid to be a chick flick – because, you know there are women, yep, notice the plural, and Hollywood movies never have several women in leading roles who even interact – and thus they try to act all non-chick-flicky. Even though it could be such a great movie about intriguing female characters. But it is too afraid to go there. I wouldn’t even really mind a companion-style huntsman character. But there is no reason to act as if the plot depended on him (though, ok, it does. Making her choke up the apple). And there is certainly no reason for the love triangle that never was, introducing Snow White’s friend from childhood, who has been boo-hoo all those years cause he couldn’t rescue the princess, but now he’s handsome and she’s pretty so let us have them maybe hook up. Urgh. Why, movie, why?

But the fault of this not being T.H.E. feminist re-telling of a classic fairy tale lies not only with the insertion of male characters. We have two major female characters who drive the plot as protagonist and antagonist. There is a lot in these characters that hints at unbelievable potential, yet it never gets fully realized. The most horrible thing is that this film stumbles over its own premise and falls into the trap of the age-old stereotype: women need to be beautiful and women don’t want to be anything but beautiful.

yep, there is this scene (via fanpop.com)

Charlize Theron’s evil step-mom/with character is of course visually stunning and yeah, you could argue that this whole movie is really just a celebration of how good Ms. Theron and well rendered CGI look on the big screen. But really, she is evil and crazy and whatnot because her beauty fades and that is all she ever had? The thing is, her backstory is actually pretty neat. Having been blessed/cursed with beauty and its power and subsequently taking down one kingdom after another, that is pretty hardcore shit. But it’s so lame that there is not an ounce of self-reflection to be found. I mean, I get the feeling that her character knows and considers it to be curse rather than a blessing, but why the hell doesn’t the movie and have her hate herself for depending on her beauty instead of going where ALL other movies have gone and be like “uuuh, she’s old, so she’s automatically ugly, gross, lines, eek”. That is not only so been done it is also so not empowering it is not even funny.
Plus, it would maybe be bearable if the movie had introduced a more progressive concept and have her beauty not only be the power she has over mighty men but have her beauty be actually directly connected to military and magic powers? Oh and the heck, girl kills king after king but never in the movie gets to go all out and state how fucking sick and dumb patriarchy is? Puhleaze, I say to that.

via emcblue.com

And then there is Snow White. Oh, Kirsten Stewart, what could I say about your acting abilities that has not already been said? I’ll leave it at that. Her character is funnily falling in the same trap. We’re told that she is super-special and The One because – yep, go ahead, guess – she is so beautiful. Ermh, whud? You know, but even then, when all the smitten dwarves are like “dude, she is JESUS!” her character remains passive and never brings the full “hit evil on the head and preach love for all” kind of thing. She is angry cause Charlize killed her dad so she leads people back to the bleak ol’ castle and because she does so … the country grows green again! Oh the happiness of simple storytelling that required minimum effort on the writer’s part. If Snow White really is Jesus, could you not just mobilize ALL LIVING BEINGS EVER to fight on her side and have the majorest battle of ‘em all down on the beach beneath the castle? Maybe let the whale of “Free Willy” jump out of the sea and bite of evil stepma’s head? Pretty please?
And just when you thought: “Wow, her character and the whole savior thing were really underwhelming” –  there she is in front of the evil mirror and stares into it and my heart jumps and I scream from the top of my lungs: “YEAH! Now SHE will be the evil queen! You were all wrong, you were! HA!”. And really, what a fucking super-neat conclusion would that have been. Criticizing the pressure to be beautiful for women in patriarchal societies by symbolically making the evil mirror responsible for the moral decay of the women that stare into it. But WTF? she just stares and next thing you know, she is crowned and people cheer, and happiness and glimpse on huntsman, end of story. Even Lily Cole is young again. Oh movie, the chances you wasted! Countless they are.

via tumblr.com

Yeah, I still enjoyed it. It was entertaining which owes mostly to the stunning visuals. And while we are discussing visuals: Did you all also think: “Really, Princess Mononoke?” when they come up with the white stag and his massive antlers? Cause that shit is taken directly out of Mononoke, down to the shooting of him. And for what exactly? This event – neither her meeting him not the shooting of the stag– has any effect whatsoever on the story. Wasted chances, I reiterate, wasted fucking chances.

Well, thanks movie. You could have been great, but admittedly you could have sucked sooooo much harder. So: thank you?