Monthly Archives: September 2012

The Dark Knight Rises to New Depths of Messy Storytelling

Batman, you superhero of the superheroes. Don’t roll your eyes! Yadda yadda Superman yadda yadda Spiderman blabla Iron Man yap yap Avenger what? Let us face an eternal truth – cause of course it is not just my mere opinion – the best superhero movie that has ever graced this planet with its presence is none other than *drumroll* Batman Returns!
Yeaha, that’s right, bitches, Batman Fucking Returns directed by Tim Fucking Burton and featuring Michell Pfeiffer as Cat F… ermh, let us not go there. I will gush about how amazingly awesomely gorgeously fantastic Batman Returns is and why at some other place some other time, but it needs to be stated here to make clear what I compare every other Batman moment ever to. The Dark Knight compared pretty well. The Dark Knight Rises oh so doesn’t and Imma gonna give you a rant as to why that be.

via collider.com

What I thought would be my major problem with this movie turned out to be one of its nicer features – Catwoman. I am such a hardcore sucker when it comes to Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman. From her backstory, to her costume, to her behavior and the way she “disappears”. Everything about that character I think is written and performed incredibly well. So naturally I was very afraid of Anne Hathaway, even though I generally like her actually, as Catwoman, given past disasters with that character (Halle Berry. I can’t. Even.). BUT to my very surprise I felt her character was not only well performed but also very well written. And let us be very clear about one thing: Hers was the only character well written in this mess of a movie. Yessir, I just called this a mess of a movie.

via batman-news.com

Gosh, I feel like a broken record, but why oh why keep studios releasing movies with characters that lack any sort of plausible motivation?
I could go on and on about how the villains this time around are just plain boring. Bane and Talia al Ghul? Really? That’s the epic conclusion of this trilogy? Blergh. But my, if they at least had some sort of understandable motif to do what they do. They fucking don’t. So they were all kinda love-birdy, except not, cause protector and girl sorta relationship and then they went to super-evil organization of her father, cause of course, and then father is kind of a dick to Bane and they decide: fuck this shit, we’re out and we hate you for like ever and then? Batman kills daddy whom we hate for like ever and first thing you know Talia and Bane turn around and she feels it’s her duty as a daughter to fulfill his evil plans of massive destruction of Gotham. Even if we ignored all that supposed backstory shit – why would she even be interested in destroying Gotham? What’s in it for her? What’s in it for Bane? Fucking nothing is what it is. The Joker at least was crazy and wanted anarchy and that is why he started shit, but these two? They get nothing out of this except a whole lot of trouble for a whole lot of destruction of a city that they probably don’t even care about. What sort of connection would they have with Gotham? No fucking clue.

What is she even wearing? (via caughtonset.com)

And let’s stick with The Joker for a minute here: He wanted to unleash anarchy and handed the people and prisoners of Gotham a tool to destroy each other. What did they do? They rose above it and proved to be better human beings than he ever imagined them to be. That is what made The Dark Knight so outstanding in the end – that the tale being told was not just about all the crazy and the evil and the struggle, but also a moral tale about what it means to be humane and respect the order of society and its functioning because ultimately it boils down to respect for your fellow human beings. And that is some seriously wicked shit for something fluffy as a superhero move – oh and again, don’t roll your eyes to me, cause superhero movies tend to be about nothing really, except for poor hero suffering or his love interest in dangerous situations, which: yawn.
In The Dark Knight Rises we get none of that grandeur. Bane and his minions swarm the city and all of a sudden people go all crazy for no apparent reason whatsoever. Why do they all look like they spent the last three months hungry in the desert? Why do they listen to the judgment of lunatics released from prison? Why does it feel like this movie wants to act as if these people were the Occupy movement and it needs major capital a.k.a. billionaire Bruce Wayne to save our precious society?
Well, not only is there a classist subtext that really unnerves me, but there is also no visible gain for the masses of people who suddenly turn berserk on Gotham. Just like Talia and Bane, suddenly most of Gotham’s population acts on behalf of motivations that we can only guess at and that seem contrived at best.

Who are these people even? (via geeksofdoom.com)

The core of the problem of the whole Batman saga is IMO that his motivation always falls back on the very-hated-by-me “because my parents” trope. Same with Talia. And in Nolan’s trilogy it seems to be taken a step further. All heroes must fit the parent mold. We don’t question them and they should be dead, because then we can glorify them without any shame. That was the quibble with the predecessor The Dark Knight – this whole “Harvey Dent must be remembered as a hero” thing seemed really weird and totally illogical. And I thought “the heck, sure they’ll resolve it in the next instalment”. Except for they don’t. Only lame ass attempts to connect this plot with the one in the last movie and it falls all flat. That is why found the Catwoman character surprisingly refreshing. She seems to be the only one not motivated by avenging her parents, plus her actions contained a kernel of social critique and she – kinda – stands up for that.

via prometheus-unbound.org

I also have to bemoan the absolute randomness of things in this one. What’s with the bomb? Oh, super powerful, could produce energy, yadda yadda. Dude, if that shit is so mega-dangerous, why do you build it in the first place. And hide it beneath the city? As if water would really be a major obstacle hindering determined individuals to get that thing out there and working. And even if you flood the room – isn’t there still the slightest possibility that by some mistake the thing might go off? Then again, I am clearly not a physicist.
Then the prison. Where is that even? Who puts the prisoners in there? Why is there a fucking TV? And really, only Talia and Batman make it out of there, cause those steps they is oh so dangerous. The Fuck What? Not to mention that Batman is outta there and next thing we know pops up on some random street in Gotham, just in time to have a little chat with Catwoman who just defended herself against some muggers. Whud?
And please explain the subtext of Thalia being a political activist for the environment and then turning mega-villainess to me. Sustainability is evil? Protecting the environment means you have daddy issues? Yuck. But fits right in with the classist shit concerning major capital rescuing the world from evil protesters against socio-political conditions. Oh movie, anti-elitist you are clearly not.

via myfreewallpapers.net

I actually liked a few things. GASP!! Yep, even beyond Catwoman.
Another thing I wasn’t even expecting but would have dreaded if I had known: Robin. The Robin character in the whole Batman mythology does ABSOLUTELY ZERO as in NOTHING WHATSOEVER for me. And every time somebody starts saying: “Robin should be in the next…” I just switch off and go like “lalalalala”. Cause I don’t wanna hear it, that’s why. But here: actually pretty nicely done. Whoda thunk it?
I also liked the twist to the prison escape story, even if I thought the prison itself was ridiculous. How we were all like: ah, yeah, right, Bane made it. But then the movie is like: Suckers, haha, sitting there thinking it was Bane but it wasn’t, it was TALIA!! I thought that was really well executed. Oh and yes, the list ends here. Alfred was too emo in this one to make it. Sorriez.

“Please arrest me for this mediocre film!” (via serienjunkies.de)

I really expected a grand old BANG! for the conclusion of Nolan’s Batman trilogy. What I got was a “meep” and it sucked hard. Having all those expectations shattered. The problem is that I don’t even know how they could have saved it. Nothing in The Dark Knight Rises reeks of plausible story or interesting plot to me. It’s not that they should have just fixed some minor things. I wanted something entirely different. But oh, who knows, maybe the next director will surprise us with awesome Batman movies again. Pretty please?

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Shoo! Alien, shoo! Leave Prometheus alone!

Oh, Ridley Scott. There you are looking back on your career thinking: “Yeah, Alien rocked. And yeah, Blade Runner totally rocked, too!” And you know what, Ridley, you are actually right. They are both fantastic films. I would argue that Alien is far more fantastic than Blade Runner, but because Alien is so fucking out there mega-fantastic that is like saying “Blade Runner is better than 99.9 percent of all films ever made”. And then Ridley? Then you’re all like: “Yeah, let’s revisit this and make another epic Sci-Fi action flick!” Did I mention that you probably look back on films like Gladiator and think that it was equally as awesome? Now there is the problem. Sometimes your films fucking stink. So, let’s talk about Prometheus, shall we?

via thewertzone.blogspot.com

Nothing in Prometheus makes any sense. Whatsoever.
Yup, it’s all a big bag of bullshit. Oh, a nice and pretty bag of bullshit. So shiny you need to look at it. And amidst all the shit squishing and squashing in there we find ideas and performances that are brilliant. But what makes this movie such a bag of bullshit is the problem that many films have: They could be so fucking awesome but somewhere along the way people started to make mistakes and didn’t stop with them. Prometheus is such a case.

via prometheus-movie.com

Everyone and their grandmother has said it by now, but it is worth repeating: The idea that these characters on this ship are scientist is laughable at best. Offensive really, cause what it shows is that obviously no one involved with this project had any idea of scientific work whatsoever. Or they must have hit their heads really hard. From the dumbass boyfriend being all sulky cause he just discovered alien life-forms on another planet and cannot ask them why they made him (not to mention taking off his helmet, cause he just ‘felt’ that he could probably breathe the air) to the “biologist” whose first instinct upon meeting new and aggressive life forms is to touch them in the face. And dear Elizabeth, our supposed heroine, she is what exactly? An archeologist / medical doctor /biologist /geneticist /what the hell? Girl can do it all. Cause she probably studied science. And when you studied a term that encompasses all the sciences ever, you can, of course, do everything that all sciences ever found out and use as their scientific instruments. Cause you’re fucking scientist, duh!

edgy haircut – he must be a scientist! (via flicksandbits.com)

Ok, we could roll our eyes forever because of how hard these people are clearly not scientists. Shall we look at the supposed science then? There is no use averting our eyes, the crap will still get through. The operation super-capsule thingy. WTF? Can do whatever operation needs to be done if you just press a few buttons and hop in. But oh, damn, thing is gender-programmed. Only works on men… For whatever fucking reason. Cause the hard-drive was too small to fit in the program for women? Are you kidding me? And then of course it also works on women, cause wouldn’t you know, just a dramatic effect. So thing operates a squid alien out of Elizabeth Shaw (and boy will we get to how she is not Ellen Motherfucking Ripley) and stitches her belly so that girl can run and jump and crunch and do whatnot AFTER HAVING HER BELLY BEING OPENED BY A LASER-BEAM AND BARELY STITCHED TOGETHER!! She should collapse within 20 centimeters of that damn machine and bleed out is what she should if that movie had any idea of how human bodies work.
But oh, this film so doesn’t. Guess what: the god-alien-whatever-beings DNA matches 100 percent with human DNA! Whoa! Except for no human beings have DNA matching a hundred percent (ok, twins do) and then again every living being on this planet shares a pretty large percentage of their DNA with ours. So instead of being all like: they created us! And they even kinda somewhat look like us! We should really wonder how the hell these beings are related to chicken, and cheetahs and chimpanzees. There is your scientific question, movie, you can run as fast as you want into the other direction, you won’t escape it.
And please, film, Ridely, whoever, tell me: If these beings come to a planet, dissolve and by that create life on a planet – how do they end up being pictured by cavemen? Did they wait for a few million years to come back and say Hi, uh, by the way look at these stars, if you ever figure out what we mean come and visit us there? Oh yeah, that seems to make so much sense, EXCEPT FOR IT FUCKING DOESN’T. The inconsistencies of this movie are to frustrating, it’s almost painful. Just like having just had an operation and then having to …run? jump? fall? scream? Right, Elizabeth?

Ellen, ermh, Ellie? (via guardian.co.uk)

It’s frustrating because the movie plays this “uh, we’re asking the big and important questions” card but instead of attempting to answer them they fall short of answering even the simplest questions that just derive from the plot and the actions. How come the black liquid goo thing kills Elizabeths boyfriend but turns the other one into a killing monster? Why would it even? Makes no fucking sense. Completely unnecessary, strengthens my disbelief and makes me wonder: if the black goo thingy can turn people so easily into whatever fucking monster it wants them to be, why does it have to go to such great lengths to create super-complicated reproduction cycles like the one of the alien? Tell you why: cause black goo and monsters and alien aren’t really logically related and shouldn’t be related in a movie that has no idea of what it is doing.

via flicksandbits.com

What I hate hate hate in movies is the parents-complex thing. So many movies think they provide their protagoinists with motivation because they do what their parents said, or exactly the opposite or something to get their attention. It is there in the recently reviewed Snow White, it lies at the core of The Dark Knight Rises, which I intend to review next and we find it here with Elizabeth Shaw, David the Android, Charlize Theron’s character and oh, basically all mankind, cause we no have to think of those milky white muscle hunks as our daddies. I fucking hate this shit. Having no other motivation for things than you’re parents is the lamest story-telling device in the history of everything ever. Like Elizabeth Shaw is a scientist because of her father, but also religious, because of him, and neither is she a believable scientist nor does her faith have any effect on the plot whatsoever and is nothing but backstory we’re supposed to swallow to think that she is deep and shit, but really it’s just superficial nonsense. Meredith Vickers relationship with her father is so irrelevant, because we have no clue what is going on, we have no clue what her motivation is, and ultimately none of it plays any role in how these events unfold. It is just there and irritating. Granted, it could have been so much more interesting, if the film had focused on the sibling rivalry between Ms. Vickers and David, but we only get glimpses of that. Waste.

AAAAHHHH!! Why does this plot suck so hard?? (via lightsconnoraction.blogspot.com)

The biggest waste in this movie is David, who is also one of the redeeming qualities. Of course the movie looks fantastic, it is beautiful cinematography, the effects are neat. I like how the aliens look, and even though I find it totally absurd, I like how the aliens evolve throughout the movie. But what is really a saving grace and at the same time the major issue is Michael Fassbender as the android David. Because his performance is brilliant and because his character is actually interesting. All the questions that dumb scientist boyfriend mumbles about are just that same that he asks, but he really asks them and he acts on the impulse to want to find out. And along the way he does dubious things, in full knowledge of their dubiousness. Had the movie about him for 2 hours it would probably have been a better movie.

via cinemaforever.blog.de

BUT this movie wanted to hold on to the alien tradition of strong female character with the introduction of Elizabeth Shaw and FAILED. Now, mind you, I like Noomi Rapace and I think her performance was good. And even though I thought “girl, really?” practically every two seconds I still found her character engaging. But my oh my, does the writing on this character sabotage her. We’re supposed to be thinking of her as Ellen Ripley and then again not, cause she is caring, and crying, has a relationship, is compassionate, is religious, yadda yadda. Then we give her some monsters to run from, some gross beings to kill and everyone will think that she is just as badass as Ellen Ripley. Right? RIGHT?????
Hell to the no. Because that was the brilliance of Alien. For a long time it wasn’t even clear that Ellen Ripley was going to be our protagonist. First she is somewhat of a cold bitch and only after some time we find out that we are probably going to spend the rest of this movie – and the rest of the fight against the alien – with her. And she did kick ass with the weapons she found, with the information she gathered. She sweated and screamed and was terrified yet acted on her instinct to survive. In short: She acted like a human being. She felt like a human being. Like the other characters in Alien. In Prometheus we have none of that. They are all tools. Like characters from any CSI series out there we are meant to think of them as real and deep characters because they have a tattoo, or they like to scream out loud when happy or cry because they can’t have babies and nothing in the world is more terrible for the existence of a woman (and in case you don’t notice, I’m being sarcastic here). That is all bullshit. That is all just nonsense, covering up for the fact that none of these people act like real people would. They make stupid decisions because the plot requires them to and none of it stems from any sort of believable motivation. And if you’re characters are void of believable motivations then your film is, ermh, bordering irrelevance.

Looks and feels familiar? (via filmkritiker.com)

It is pretty to look at, it sounds nice. I can appreciate that there were good ideas, that some parts were written well (David spending his time alone on board of the ship). As an Alien mega-fan I appreciate going back to that story, to this being. Re-discovering the jockey on that planet. Seeing the alien again, connecting its birth with the terror that awaits Ellen Ripley in the future. But that is all just intellectual meta-level shit. That’s appreciation for what this movie accidentally got right. All in all it got pretty much everything it had going for it wrong. Nonetheless I don’t want to give up hope. The ending screams sequel and you never know, they might just end up making a better movie when we follow Elizabeth Shaw and David the android to the corners of the universe to find out where the creator-beings came from .
Until then we can imagine how other scientists would behave in a movie like this. Mathematicians probably wouldn’t know fractions. Egyptologist would probably never had heard of the pyramids – or would want to blow them up. Directors would make good movies with a coherent plot – oops, wait. That’s no science. Or is it now?

Bye David, see you in the sequel! (via pcgames.de)

Dun-dun-dun!

If you liked this, you can check out my Alien reviews in the directory HERE.

5 Observations about Afghanistan

Ok, well, before I bury myself under a huge pile of shit I’m gonna backpedal a little and make my claim not about Afghanistan as a whole, but about my very limited impression of its capital city – Kabul. Now I’ve been here for about four weeks, so it is of course high tide for my oh so valuable evaluation of the situation as a whole (meaning only certain very random aspects of it. of course.).

via sayami.de

Dust: Everywhere.
Oh, the hell. Think about all the images of Afghanistan you have seen so far (try to dismiss the ones about war) and tell me what you think of. Forests and green pastures? Rivers and flowers and shit? Yeah, no. Most probably not. Cause land is bleak, y’all. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is very beautiful, but in a very grey and beige sort of way. Kabul looks like it had been a desert in between some rocks and people decided: nice place for a city! So a city is. But it seems like all rocks and stones and earth and stuff want to remind you: we’re still playing desert here. And there is dust EVERY-effin-WHERE. Often it is visible in the air, but you mostly notice because it creeps in everywhere. Literally everywhere. After a few days everything is covered in a thin layer of grey/beige dust. Even inside of a box, cause this dust here knows how to find its way. It’s partly impressive, partly annoying (not to mention you have to wash your hands a gazillion times a day cause every time you touch something you, well, touch dust).

actually my garden

Gardens: Hidden
The color green (color of Islam, y’all) is kinda missing in action here in Kabul. At least that is what it looks like at first glance. Houses, or rather compounds, present themselves as mini-fortresses all walled and fenced in picking up the ever popular color-scheme of grey and beige and brown. Bu-hut! Once you enter a compound usually a pretty surprising oasis awaits you. Our compound hides a beautiful garden in the backyard. Complete with flowers, zucchini, apple trees and a lawn. And it is very common, several houses that I’ve visited so far exhibit the same secret garden within the confines of their compound walls. There is a beautiful restaurant called Le Jardin du Taimani where you have to pass by 5 or 6 walls ‘til you find yourself in a vast and lush garden (and I was told that most restaurants have that, some even more beautiful).

via afgpictures.com

Burqa: Not all women in them
I guess when most people think of Afghanistan, they think of women wearing the burqa. Granted, I see some of them every day, but not wearing a burqa is way more common. Also granted, there is no women not wearing the Hijab, a veil to cover her hair, at least partially. Indoors at the office e.g. you will meet Afghan women without the veil, but not so on the streets. I suspect that once you get into more rural areas the sight of a woman on the street and of a woman on the street not wearing a burqa will be much rarer. But for Kabul, there is little burqa but much suspicion on my part that the image of women in Afghanistan that I constructed in my head – and the ideas that I had been fed with throughout several conversations and trainings – needs a substantial adjustment. I’m very “better don’t start a conversation cause it might be misinterpreted” (really, you have no idea how much every sort of training and book and documentary etc tells you as a western man that you should absolutely not randomly start a conversation with an Afghan muslima) so especially in the office I still have trouble figuring out what is acceptable and what is not. And my impression is: there is a lot more acceptable than I initially though. So they probably all think I’m really weird. And coming here with a head full of feminist ideals it feels really weird to be all cautious and gender-segregating. I’ll monitor the progress of this shit and let you know.

via csmonitor.com

Violence: Lurking (apparently)
Ok, besides dust and burqa the most prominent images of Afghanistan are those of war and Taliban and death. And just a few days ago on Massoud Day (a Mujahedin who advanced to national hero status, read more HERE) a suicide bomber killed five other people while people of Pashtun ethnicity celebrated, went into a quarter where mostly people of Hazara ethnicity live and killed a shopkeeper because they didn’t find it appropriate that he would not close his shop in honor of Massoud. They just gave him a blow on the head with a wooden stick and he was dead and then of course the Hazara went after them and killed a policeman (I think). I heard gunshots, sitting on my terrace, because we were not allowed to go out. That’s called “white city” which pushes all my wrong buttons concerning racism and colonialism, but the hell.
It’s just really crazy to hear that and hear about what happened. Cause let’s face it – these people have witnessed basically nothing but war for the last 30 to 40 years. With three quarters of the population being under 25 that means that all Afghans basically know nothing but war or at least times of violent conflicts. I don’t encounter it personally – except for armed guards at my office and the supermarket I shop in, and the streets I drive through, and the hotel-restaurant I go to… ah well, you get the point – but it is kinda scary to wonder about basically everyone you meet how far they would go if a conflict would occur. One of my first days here I saw a kid of maybe 15 beat another one with a wooden stick. These were obviously two groups of school-kids and stuff like that happens between boys of that age everywhere in the world. But how often does it happen here? I’m afraid that it is very common, and for me coming form basically safe old Germany that is plain crazy.

via scotfot.aminus3.com

Excitement: Small things
I’m not allowed to walk in the streets. Not even down the street to buy a Pepsi. I am picked up by a driver in a car no matter where I want to go. Sneaky as I am I kinda bent the rule on this one and had a little walk with Afghan colleagues from a lunch-restaurant to our office. It was basically two minutes walking down the lamest of streets. But lemme tell y’all: I was super excited. Both in a “oh, that’s how that looks and feels” and a “hopefully I don’t get shot” kinda way. Of course I didn’t get shot, because while I think there is a higher tolerance for violence, I think that 95 percent of the population have no interest in seeing me killed whatsoever (and the other 5 percent probably aren’t either). But such a random thing like just walking down a block becomes such a delight all of a sudden – it’s kinda heartwarming. And batshit crazy.

And yep, that’s my sum-up: Heartwarming and batshit crazy. Xept for some stuff, I really kinda like it here.

Snow White and the Feminist Huntsman

I’m not really a huntsman. But I am really a feminist. Snow White and the Huntsman is really not a feminist (movie), but it acts and poses like it is. And you know what? It ain’t even that bad. It’s just… here and there the movie would have needed some minor changes (and more inspired writing) and it could have been a pretty powerful and dare I even say – feminist – tale.

via intouch.wunderweib.de

Let’s get it out of the way first: the huntsman is really unnecessary. Like really really really unnecessary. The only redeeming quality of the character is that they don’t get all couply and happily ever after on our asses, but that is sort of a paradox, because there is really not much other reason for him to be in the movie than to be played up as a potential love interest. But what is his character really there for? To have us identify with him instead of Snow White? I’d give the thought more credit if I believed that they decided to do so to give Snow White the mysterious factor. But let’s be real, they just wanted to get male asses in cinema seats so they decided to put Thor in there and have him roar a little, otherwise people might mistake it for a chick flick.

“What is wrong with this movie??? Arrrgh!!” (via flickminute.com)

And that’s really the major problem of the movie. It is too afraid to be a chick flick – because, you know there are women, yep, notice the plural, and Hollywood movies never have several women in leading roles who even interact – and thus they try to act all non-chick-flicky. Even though it could be such a great movie about intriguing female characters. But it is too afraid to go there. I wouldn’t even really mind a companion-style huntsman character. But there is no reason to act as if the plot depended on him (though, ok, it does. Making her choke up the apple). And there is certainly no reason for the love triangle that never was, introducing Snow White’s friend from childhood, who has been boo-hoo all those years cause he couldn’t rescue the princess, but now he’s handsome and she’s pretty so let us have them maybe hook up. Urgh. Why, movie, why?

But the fault of this not being T.H.E. feminist re-telling of a classic fairy tale lies not only with the insertion of male characters. We have two major female characters who drive the plot as protagonist and antagonist. There is a lot in these characters that hints at unbelievable potential, yet it never gets fully realized. The most horrible thing is that this film stumbles over its own premise and falls into the trap of the age-old stereotype: women need to be beautiful and women don’t want to be anything but beautiful.

yep, there is this scene (via fanpop.com)

Charlize Theron’s evil step-mom/with character is of course visually stunning and yeah, you could argue that this whole movie is really just a celebration of how good Ms. Theron and well rendered CGI look on the big screen. But really, she is evil and crazy and whatnot because her beauty fades and that is all she ever had? The thing is, her backstory is actually pretty neat. Having been blessed/cursed with beauty and its power and subsequently taking down one kingdom after another, that is pretty hardcore shit. But it’s so lame that there is not an ounce of self-reflection to be found. I mean, I get the feeling that her character knows and considers it to be curse rather than a blessing, but why the hell doesn’t the movie and have her hate herself for depending on her beauty instead of going where ALL other movies have gone and be like “uuuh, she’s old, so she’s automatically ugly, gross, lines, eek”. That is not only so been done it is also so not empowering it is not even funny.
Plus, it would maybe be bearable if the movie had introduced a more progressive concept and have her beauty not only be the power she has over mighty men but have her beauty be actually directly connected to military and magic powers? Oh and the heck, girl kills king after king but never in the movie gets to go all out and state how fucking sick and dumb patriarchy is? Puhleaze, I say to that.

via emcblue.com

And then there is Snow White. Oh, Kirsten Stewart, what could I say about your acting abilities that has not already been said? I’ll leave it at that. Her character is funnily falling in the same trap. We’re told that she is super-special and The One because – yep, go ahead, guess – she is so beautiful. Ermh, whud? You know, but even then, when all the smitten dwarves are like “dude, she is JESUS!” her character remains passive and never brings the full “hit evil on the head and preach love for all” kind of thing. She is angry cause Charlize killed her dad so she leads people back to the bleak ol’ castle and because she does so … the country grows green again! Oh the happiness of simple storytelling that required minimum effort on the writer’s part. If Snow White really is Jesus, could you not just mobilize ALL LIVING BEINGS EVER to fight on her side and have the majorest battle of ‘em all down on the beach beneath the castle? Maybe let the whale of “Free Willy” jump out of the sea and bite of evil stepma’s head? Pretty please?
And just when you thought: “Wow, her character and the whole savior thing were really underwhelming” –  there she is in front of the evil mirror and stares into it and my heart jumps and I scream from the top of my lungs: “YEAH! Now SHE will be the evil queen! You were all wrong, you were! HA!”. And really, what a fucking super-neat conclusion would that have been. Criticizing the pressure to be beautiful for women in patriarchal societies by symbolically making the evil mirror responsible for the moral decay of the women that stare into it. But WTF? she just stares and next thing you know, she is crowned and people cheer, and happiness and glimpse on huntsman, end of story. Even Lily Cole is young again. Oh movie, the chances you wasted! Countless they are.

via tumblr.com

Yeah, I still enjoyed it. It was entertaining which owes mostly to the stunning visuals. And while we are discussing visuals: Did you all also think: “Really, Princess Mononoke?” when they come up with the white stag and his massive antlers? Cause that shit is taken directly out of Mononoke, down to the shooting of him. And for what exactly? This event – neither her meeting him not the shooting of the stag– has any effect whatsoever on the story. Wasted chances, I reiterate, wasted fucking chances.

Well, thanks movie. You could have been great, but admittedly you could have sucked sooooo much harder. So: thank you?