Kill me now, please: Alien vs. Predator

Hokay, we’re close. Let’s have one more review and then some discussion, and then Alien month on Me, all over the place will be over. Don’t cry just now, we’re not done yet. For all Alien Goodness on this blog please click HERE to get to the Alien master index.

via wikipedia.com

Soooo, Alien vs. Predator and Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. I should just say it right away: I think that both of them kinda suck. The first one less than the second, but still, you know, they suck.
Alien for me is all about the movies. I know that there is a whole army of comic fans out there that will cry in agony (oh and hey, yeah, the gamers, at least I played the alien video game too, back in the 90s…) but somehow the medium of comic never convinced me when it comes to Alien. I think that somewhere out there is the perfect comic, cause I know they exist for Batman, but what I need is darkness, grit and alla that, and comics are often just too shiny and flashy to convince me of the inherent Alien darkness. So, when I judge Alien vs. Predator, I judge the movies. Just like they deserve it.

via wikipedia.org

The whole idea of having Alien prequels and having Alien without Ripley caused a massive outcry, and I guess producers and everyone else involved noticed, that is why they tried to give us a first AvP that held up some of the tradition. Seclusion, Alien, Weyland industries, and a Bishop prototype. And of coursely: a female hero kicking Alien butt.
This all kind of reconciles me with the overall concept, plus the fact that I just don’t consider it to be canonical. So AvP is kind of ok. Granted, the cast is practically forgettable except for Ms. Superheroine Woods, who is really just memorable because she survives and gets some Predator-loving. But then again it is aptly named Alien versus Predator, since it is really all just about the Alien fighting the Predator. It is all about action, the whole premise is based on fanboys wanting to see Predators killing the Alien, while the Alien takes down some Predators along the way.
It is sort of cute how they try to introduce some depth and mythology by making the Earth a playground for Predators who are basically bringing Aliens to other planets so that they can travel there and kill them, some sort of initiation ritual for Predator adolescents to come of age I guess. I say it is cute, but of course it is really just ridiculous, because really? That is what it has come down to? There is of course an inherent problem with the whole meeting of Aliens and Predators: Predator is kind of this hunting shoot-them-all-down being that primarily exists to provide some testosterone-ridden action. Alien on the other hand is the ultimate creep, lingering around in dark corners, waiting for us humans, being more of a menace than a real opponent. Of course it is also a killing machine, but when it is reduced to that…well, it just loses the implications that it comes with, and I find that to be sad.
Hey, at least we have a female heroine and she is black. As Alien movies go, black characters usually die somewhere along the way (and that actually holds true for many of those action flicks) so that is actually one really big plus, and a surprising one at that. Admittedly, she too sucks as a character, because she is so obviously the oh-so-independent Ellen Ripley rip-off that it hurts, but still. Focus on the positive, right?

via avp.ugo.com

And then there is Alien vs. Predator Requiem. What the fuck, right? The first one was bad enough, but they still manage to deliver even worse. The most tragic aspect of the whole movie is that it is actually a zombie movie, they just substituted the zombies with aliens and Predators and it does not work. At all. I say zombie movie cause it is the good old “monsters invade suburban American neighbourhood” plot with a cookie-cutter ensemble cast that I really don’t care about the slightest fuck (seriously, before writing this and researching some I couldn’t remember in the slightest if there were any human characters continuously present in the movie, I just had some vague memories of dumb jocks lusting after dumb cheerleaders), and they have to hold together, flee into a building and defend their pathetic asses. Just like in zombie movies the people who survive are usually the worst jackasses that you would never want to meet in real life (and yeah, protective mom belongs in the same category this time), and they basically only survive by chance. And usually because the zombies are slow and stupid, but this is the fucking Alien. To reduce it even further (not just Predator prey anymore) to zombie status is an insult to what it potentially stands for, and it doesn’t even work, cause it’s kind of a no-brainer that zombies are stupid, while the alien really is not. The whole move felt like another Resident Evil instalment too me, with just the mistake that they cast the alien instead of zombies. And I probably wouldn’t get so worked up if it didn’t shit so thoroughly on the Alien Saga legacy. I’m really just being overly dramatic, is what I’m trying to say.
However, even in AvP Requiem some interesting things happen, like the Predators having a little mishap, which sets the whole plot in motion, but even more importantly they just nuke out the city (mmmh, or was is the military?) and everybody dies. BUT! But there is this little leftover Predator weapon that they present to a Ms. Yutani – and again my little fan-geek-heart rejoices in the nod, cause as we all know. Ms. Yutani rules a corporate empire that will eventually fuse with the Weyland corporation and create the evil company that we encounter in the first Alien movies. Plus, nice prequel-ly twist, having her have Predator technology to imply this is how it is all coming to space-travel and world domination and stuff. And nice that Yutani is a female company president, cause we really need more of these in real life.

via filme-welt.com

There is really not that much to say about the AvP movies IMHO. That’s probably because the story is just there to justify the whole shoot-em-up scenario and it shows. One interesting thought, stimulated by my dear flatmate, is the idea that the whole fighting has S&M overtones, with the alien and the Predator being both these dark leathery creatures that are all about torturing each other. And then there is the “Predalien,” the Predator/Alien hybrid from AvP Requiem that is basically their child. Ha, nice thought. Don’t ask about the genetic underpinnings, cause you’ll run against a wall, but we already saw in Alien Resurrection that having Alien hybrids is less of a good idea than some people might think.

You really don’t have to watch them, is all I’m saying. Just to think of all the wasted money they could have channelled into a good Alien sequel…. Too late, I guess.

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4 thoughts on “Kill me now, please: Alien vs. Predator

  1. Nice review! 🙂

    I enjoy all the Alien movies, I admit it! Even AVP 1 & 2… of course AVP2 is the worst of the series, but I liked that solo Predator who became a Batman wannabe and hunted down all the Aliens. Feels cool to me ha.

    Are you gonna talk about the Predator movies in the future?

    1. well, agreed, to some extent…it is still the alien, right? I just wish they’d do an awesome film instead.
      As of now I don’t have any concrete plans to talk about the predator movies for one simple reason: I haven’t even seen them. But I should at one point sit through the whole thing and I guess I’d feel compelled to write about it then…

  2. Couldn’t agree more about the flicks. I noticed you said something about the Aliens comics. Try out “Aliens: Nightmare Asylum” It’s beautifully illustrated and as dark as you could want. You can probably score it off Amazon for a fiver.

    Hey, how about in AVP:R, when the dude (named Dallas, gnar) tells that chick to “Get to the chopper.” Kind of sweet.

    1. oh, awesome! thanks for suggesting “Aliens: Nightmare Asylum”! That sounds (and looks) really interesting, I will definitely check it out. I’m glad I can rely on other fans to make good recommendations!!

      And concerning “Get to the chopper”…. haha, I hate to admit it, but I had to look up the significance of it. Can you even believe it? Seems I have to sit my way through all Predator movies after all… I’m still in my life-long process of avoiding that.

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