Excuse me, while I just begin to get my rambling on. I never intended this blog to become overly personal (yeah, whatever that means, exactly), but I feel like I need to write things off my chest to kind of give myself a virtual kick in the butt. Also, I feel it sort of affects my relationship with this blog. So there.
Now, Christmas is approaching like a train in full motion and I’m in what we could label the final stages of my university studies. Mind you, it took me a while to get there, much longer than anticipated and dragging along longer now towards the end than I hoped, feared, or could bear.
The main factor for this final stage a.k.a. the completion of my Master’s Thesis (which is really the last last step in the whole process) is me being all sorts of procrastinating or simply not writing it. True, I worked for a solid two months over the summer and fall, and therefore didn’t have the time to sit on my butt and pour the knowledge drunken from them books into a coherent text. However, I was planning, besides all the work and stuff, to be done by early September, and now it is almost 2011 and I’m still not done with the thing.
The thing is: I enjoy writing about my topic, I enjoy reading about it, even in Japanese, which is not easy, but still fun. So it’s really not about the thesis itself, it is more about the implications that all of this has. Or to put it another way: I feel lost.
Like, I have no idea where things will go. That doesn’t even only apply to the big “oh-after-uni-time,” but in a more general sense. As I’ve said, I enjoy writing my thesis and think it’s a good topic and I’m up to producing something good, but at the same time I feel like wasting my time. I feel like I’m doing something that I should not be doing, that I should just throw down and start anew with something completely else. Frankly, I have dreams and wishes for that something else, but somehow I end up not pursuing it, and while I’ve read enough self-help crap and alla that over the years enabling me to see how stupid my behavior is, I end up staying on the track anyways. Keep doing what I’m doing cause it feels safe and might not be all that wrong after all. But I feel like I’m eroding, like I am falling apart.
This sounds dramatic I know, and I’ll get to that in a second, but it’s true: I feel like I’m becoming more and more of a shell. And the longer it lasts the more it feels like there is really no one home. That there is no personality in me, and that because there is no personality, there really is no path. What am I good for? How can I get there? Why am I not going there right now? And why do I know that all of this is wrong and still don’t change it?
I kind of feel sometimes like I’ve lost hope in there being something meaningful to do, but that is bullshit, and I know it.
The problem with all of this is, that it is so far into self-pity territory that I start to disgust myself. Like, what the hell? Why can’t you privileged piece of shit just get your act together and stop whining? It is all up to me, that my societal engagement isn’t what it should be. It is all my fault that I am not as close to people as I should be. And it is all up to me to start evaluating me by what I do and achieve rather than by who I dream or fear to be.
Bwah. I warned you, I’m rambling. These thoughts have crossed my mind on a daily basis for months now and I keep getting more lethargic and empty along the way. I really need to stir things up, cause it’s seriously numbing me. Now, I’m not the most temperamental and passionate person to begin with, but I feel so detached from any sort of emotions. And I keep losing interest in things, I only look for diversion without processing it into something productive.
That is what happens with this blog. I was so enthusiastic starting out and I feel how it gets harder and harder for me to find myself interested in writing about something, in digging something up and make something out of it.
So, yeah, I guess, this is kind of my first try to mix things up, to channel all that emo-fuckery into something more meaningful than just whining. Let’s see if it helps.